Zachary Borman

If there is one thing that can be said about Zachary Ralph Borman, it is that he despises writing third person biographies of himself; especially the kind that is meant to appear as though it was not written by himself about himself. This deeply ingrained psychological issue probably harkens back to some relatively minor childhood trauma that he either mostly imagined or completely invented out of the sheer boredom that is the direct result of his mind-numbingly average childhood.

A native of Boise, Idaho, and the second of four children born to Joe and Leanne Borman, (a relatively normal secular working class American couple), Zachary always knew he was destined for greatness. Somehow he always knew he would be living the American dream of working in a restaurant to pay off the UNGODLY large student loan debt incurred getting his identically unemployable degrees in Film and Literature (note to any prospective parents here: make your kids major in Computer Science). Although he is aware of the highly enviable position he holds in the grand scheme of things, he does still take the time to enjoy the small things in life, such as women’s ski-shooting, and his bi-annual prostate exams.

Some time ago, Zachary got it in his mind that he not only understood most films he has ever come across (which, believe me, is FAR more than any man who expects to have an active sex life should have spent viewing), but that he should actually be interpreting and disseminating his opinions about these film for the benefit of others (we have yet to hear back from these so called “others,” although their voicemail says they will be back from Hawaii in a week, and we suspect that they will have good things to say). Some have argued that this revelation relates back to his childhood delusions of grandeur, while others have said it was just him continuing on with his awkward phase that began in the 8th grade. Whatever the case may be, he has decided to offer you direct access to the River Wild stream of consciousness (had to be at least one Kevin Bacon reference in this article) that is his thought process.